I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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