i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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