Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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