I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You pole danced in your parka.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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