forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
