I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
