i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
