Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
