woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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