Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Randomize
