whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
