I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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