I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
