You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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