the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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