He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
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Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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