My sheets look like a crime scene.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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