girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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