If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I know her cup size but not her name....
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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