When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
