Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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