I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
