I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
