where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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