Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
