last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
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