Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
