All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
