i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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