That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Ketchup is God's man juice
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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