Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
