We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.