yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
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Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
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They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.