Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
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You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
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gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.