I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
