I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
