I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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