When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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