Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
