Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
