hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
