Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
