I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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