why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
