I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
