This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
