Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
