Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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