so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I love you.
Bad choice
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
