Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
