I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
