Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
