the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
