Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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