i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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