Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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