Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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