man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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