I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
