he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
