I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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