i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
