i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
