For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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