You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My breath smells like gin and sadness
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
