Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
