So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
that is very illegal...i love you.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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