shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
